guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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