He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
