I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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