also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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