I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
