I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We had to coat check the pizza.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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