last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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