i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
