Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Your mouth is God's brothel.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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