I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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