Non-Jews are for practice
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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