Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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