I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
