I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
did i walk over a car last night?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
