He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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