I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
