There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
