I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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