The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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