I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
