I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
