I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
