oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
