Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
