I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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