Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
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