I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
