I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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