I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
