i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
