my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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