you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
