Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
