I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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