Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
