I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
