Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Houston, we have a blender
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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