Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize
