I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
