Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
