His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
