you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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