My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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