You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
