theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
