every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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