remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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