she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
