Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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