I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
God, you're like boner-b-gone
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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