i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
