the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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